Change

Accidentally deleted a label yesterday and so I read back on all the posts to put the label in place again. I don't know why I would go to such lengths just to preserve the label but I guess deep down I know that it will be a wonderful way to read back on the 'journey' I went through in the future. I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness and yet tremendous relief when I read back because I realised how much I've changed the way I think over the past few months.

I used to be so... strong? It was as if nothing could destroy me and I wouldn't allow anything to make me crumble. It was a habit that I had; telling myself that I only had an hour to feel all the emotions in the world and after that one hour I would become strong again. I built up such a great defense because I thought it was the only way to protect myself from the world. And yes it worked, but it also made me harsh and cruel. It's just like how people always say that everyone was born innocent but some let the world make them bad. I let the world make me bad.

It's not that I think that I was a really bad person, because I still cared about how other people feel deep down in my heart. I still wanted to do nice things for the people who are nice to me (like A, who is the best person I've ever met and who also did a lot to make me a better person). I still liked seeing the people I liked smile and be happy because I also felt happy for them in return. I just didn't care as much for those that I do not particularly like. I used to do nice things for the people I don't like, hoping it will change things one day. But I guess experiences taught me that it's not true - you don't get something in return for everything that you do. Sometimes people just take advantage of you.

I think I'm starting to understand that I don't have to get something in return for everything that I do. Instead, like I told T a while back, I've cultivated a sense in me that nothing bothers me. It's different from how I used to think because instead of saying whatever I like without a care about others' feelings, I now try my best to ignore things and people that do not contribute to my good mood because I tell myself that I simply don't care. And it becomes a fact after a while, because why would I let someone who isn't even worth my time ruin my mood? In return I also feel happier about myself and the whole world :)

Anyway I also wanted to say thanks to the person who had the biggest part in making me a better person. It's like that moment in the movie where someone walks into your life and makes it all better :) The only reason why I could stop caring about what upset me was because I know I had something else that is of much more importance. Over the past few months, I've stopped being so self-conscious and I just feel so happy now because of you :) So thank you and I hope I can have this for many more years to come :)