Unstable

I've been feeling so unhappy lately and I haven't got the slightest idea how to make everything better. Whenever I felt unhappy in the past, I would always use superficial pretenses to cover up my unhappiness. Reveling in the acceptance and envy shown by other people towards these superficial pretenses made me feel better. Even when it didn't, I would lie to myself that I do feel better until I eventually believed so.

Now I can't even put up any superficial pretense. I used to be a cheery person regardless of what came my way. I would always claw my way out of the unhappiness trying to bury me. I feel like as I age, I start to let these unhappy things weigh me down instead. I'm too tired of being the strong one, too tired of fighting when I know my efforts might end up in vain. I find myself enjoying the sadness that overcomes me late at night. I find myself sitting down by myself wondering if things will ever get better. I find myself imagining every worse case scenario I can think of, and how I would live then.

I know you said you'll always be there for me, but I can't help but think of myself as one person. Alone. And sometimes... Maybe even lonely.